I’m a bitch I’m a lover
I’m a child I’m a mother
I’m a sinner I’m a sant
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell I’m your dream
I’m nothin’ in between
You know, you wouldn’t want it any other way…..
I’ve been on this ‘relentlessly pursuing authenticity’kick ever since I heard Denzel say those words during an interview on Oprah for The Great Debaters. I also added the disclaimer ‘always subject to change’since I figured that who I am today, may not necessarily be who I am tomorrow.
I’ve been in too many situations where people have assumed that I was one way one day and been surprised to find that I was the exact opposite the next. I remember one of my readers couldn’t understand how I could write about sex or curse like a sailor in one post and pen a beautiful prayer the next. Or a past love feel me kiss him tenderly on the top of the head in one second and shrink from his touch the next. I’ve always thought that both extremes of my personality were sides of the same coin. I freely admit that I have mastered wearing a mask when I feel the need, but for the most part I think that what you see is what you get…good and bad.
Still, my past experiences where people have placed me in a box without leaving me room to grow has caused me to either end up with me attempting to shrink to fit or rip the container to shreds. For the past few months, I’ve used Thursdays as “La Verdad”….where I am consciously speaking the truth…the whole truth…and nothing but the truth – with no filter. I’ve also invited people to ask me questions in my Facebook Honesty Box on those days.
I have come to THOROUGHLY enjoy those days. The questions that I get have been random to intensely personal. Some ask specifically about me, from people who I assume are too shy to ask face to face, to people asking for advice regarding their own situations. It’s all under the veil of anonymity – which is cool for me (since I don’t have to think about who I’m speaking to before I answer) and cool for them, since they don’t have to worry about me giving them the side-eye for asking.
That therapeutic exercise has caused me to learn a lot about what I thought were dual personalities. The other day, Kindred asked if anything was bothering me because he noticed a dramatic shift in my behavior/routine with him. I quickly responded that I was good (when I really wasn’t). He said that he would take me at my word – since our friendship exists on a 24hr. authentic plane – and let it go. But he also said that one thing he knew about me was that my behavior with him was as consistent as the sunrise and that my shift threw him off, so while he was letting it go – he was still giving me one hell of a side-eye.
Truth is (and I’m admitting it for the first time outside of my brain here) is that there WAS something wrong. He was right <— and yeah, I’m going to have to go back and let him know…for authenticity’s sake. I only shift from one extreme to another when something has thrown my balance off. I battle with ‘angels and demons’ in my head. Most times, they just post up back to back in a healthy balance. But every now and then, one stands up and throws the other off kilter.
I’m getting to the point where I can feel/recognize when it’s happening, but I’m still working thru being able to share with people who I care about ‘the why’ since sometimes I don’t even know myself. That’s something that takes me outside of my comfort zone, but is completely necessary for my journey on the road to complete authenticity. I’m willing to walk down that path….*sigh*….tomorrow.
