Behind the Music

I love this pic of myself. It was my birthday weekend and I was a tad tipsy from my 30th celebration that night. I came home, got butt ass nekkid, grabbed the cam and took a quick snapshot in the middle of a light-headed giggle.  It was the first time that I’d done that sort of thing no holds barred, but I thought to myself – eh, I’m Dirty 30, so what the hell?   I remember  my first thought was “Ooh! I’m kinda cute!” then “Hey!  I’m really happy!”  What I love most about the pic is the twinkle in my eye. This image is almost 4 years old and it makes me smile every time that I see it. I didn’t realize it then, but I know now that was one of the first times that I was beginning to be comfortable to look myself dead in the eye and smile back at the person that I saw.

The blog world has been abuzz the last week about being comfortable with yourself and I thought initially that I was gonna be the first one to talk about it, since it was also the topic of last Sunday’s church service.  That is, until SOMEONE stole my thunder.

The activity that my pastor gave was to avoid looking at everything in the mirror except our eyes.  So many times, we focus on the trivial exterior trappings  – you know….   anything from “Dammit, there’s another pimple” “These Crest strips still don’t have my teeth as white as I’d like” “I know we’re in a recession, but is this drug store foundation really as good as MAC?”  to “I’m Rick James, bytch”.  And that’s cool…on the surface.

But looking beyond the exterior, into the windows of our soul…our eyes…takes courage.  So I decided to try it for a week and see what was there for me….

My eyes are my favorite feature, so I never have a problem of looking AT them, but I never really wondered if I looked INTO them.  I do know that they are extremely expressive.  Several crafty people have figured out that I often keep my gaze focused downward, because if you happen to stare directly into my eyes they will tell you everything you want to know. 

I remember an ex-boyfriend years ago, joking about the fact that I loved music so much and that people often described me as a walking melody.  He told me that although everyone else heard/saw the music – when looking into my eyes it was like watching the Vh-1 specials.  So this week, as that memory popped into my head, I looked…Behind the Music…

Annnndddd of course I saw PINK…    

“I’m learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes.”
~PINK: Crystal Ball~

 For a large portion of my life, I have always felt that I was never good enough to live up to other people’s expectations of me – that I somehow needed to be ‘fixed’ in one way or another. Because of that, the universe alway surrounded me with ‘fixers’ – people who, with benign intentions, set out to try to guide and mold me…into an image that they thought that I should be.  That created an unhealthy cycle of always feeling like there was something innately ‘wrong’ with who I was – and  constantly trying to be who everyone else thought that I should be.

“LA told me, ‘You’ll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are…’”
~ PINK: Don’t Let Me Get Me~

And  talk about pictures being worth 1000 words,  if you realllly look into my eyes during the teenage and early adult years of my life, you can see the struggle of my independence which would vacillate from complete withdrawal to open defiance. In my earlier photos, I NEVER smiled. I felt like smiling was a form of weakness and if I did happen to part my lips, it was in a sneer.

“If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew?”
~PINK: Who Knew?~

And then I fell in love…and out of love..and in love…and out of love. What a number can that have on your self image!  Couple that, with the energy that my spirit released by needing a ‘fixer’, I emotionally exhausted myself with stops and starts of shy attempts to expose my vulnerability and being slapped back into place. Humbling experiences, but ones that prepared me to receive some of the best loves of my life (so far)…

“Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care…”

~PINK: Glitter In The Air~

….and because I’ve experienced those, I know that I’m not the type to settle for cookie cutter, run of the mill, love matches. I want it all – the spiritual, emotional, mental, financial, physical everything with a person. I had it many moons ago in my early 20s, so I know that it exists. It’s just a matter of using what I’ve learned thus far and remaining open.

“I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I cannot be without, you’re my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I’m sorry
Da da da, da da”

~PINK: Please Don’t Leave Me~

In the meantime, I’ve also experienced enough madness to turn me into one of those bitter chicks that’s always second guessing anyone that tries to get to know me beyond the surface. And while it’s always good to maintain a protective layer over your spirit (especially if it’s ‘secretly’ sensitive, like mine) , your layer shouldn’t be a brick wall…which, truth be told my covering often is.

“I don’t wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don’t wanna be that call at four o’clock in the mornin’
‘Cause I’m the only one you know in the world that won’t be home”

~PINK: Sober~

Looking into my eyes this week, told a hell of a story – but I was glad to see that the twinkle that I saw on my 30th b-day was still there. The woman that I see now can recognize all of those things in her eyes and hold her gaze without blinking. And when I stumbled in Thursday night, after having partied my ass off at the Slick Rick, Doug E Fresh and Big Daddy Kane concert…slightly tipsy once again, I got butt ass nekkid, grabbed the camera and let out another light-headed giggle….