When I originally wrote this post, I was going through some thangs w/ my niece. I mean some – I was 2 seconds from fighting that heffa like a grown azz woman , somebody might need to call the po-po – type issues. I was emotionally exhausted.
I had all but stopped meditating, praying, all of the things that make me…ME. It was then that I felt this nagging in my soul. I remembered this entry tonight, not because things are difficult right now – but because there is a familiar nagging – an unsettled feeling. I’m on the right track (I think), praying, meditating, etc. But I feel led to listen to this song until I figure out what’s going on with me or maybe someone close to me.
~from the October 2008 archives~
ya’ know….sometimes, i wish that i could go back to 2004/2005 – where i didn’t know you guys in real life. so many of you are interfused with my reality (we’ve hung out… *cough* dated…have become e-mail/im/facebook buddies) that it’s hard to keep some things under wraps. because of that, i try to maintain a balance of keeping some things private, while keeping those of you who truly care about me outside of the blog world updated on what’s going on w/ me – not just for myself, but for the people in my immediate environment that deserve their privacy.
but let me tell you…i’ve been going thru some things lately…the last couple of weeks have been absolutely WICKED. maybe, i’ll share the details when it’s long past and i see the value in the lesson…maybe not. in the meantime…let me try to show you….
it’s no coincidence that my linename/nickname is “shug”….named for two special sorors on each line of my undergraduate chapter….short for ‘brown sugar’ – a title passed down thru the generations by my sorority for “the so-called chosen ones”…but for me since i was named in 1995, i’ve associated not with a ‘bubbling brown sugar’…a sugary, sweet goodness…but with shug avery’s character in the color purple:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7ZT5sajkys]
and lately, i’ve been singing in my head – and sometimes out loud…i will randomly burst out SO loud to the point where people look at me with this incredulous expression and say ‘girl, i didn’t know you could sang!‘ while i begin with a low – “SPEAK MY LAWWWWD…SPEAK TO ME… “MY SOUL….MY SOULLLLLL….SAYS YES!!!!” (lol…yeah, your girl can hit a note when she wants to…that’s that country mississippi old chuuch ancestry bubbling over… lol). city girl, with a sho’ nuff country swirl. hmph.
i tell you what….i feel like shug….knowing her roots, having tried secular comforts but still hearing that nagging voice in her head, pulling on her old, southern religious foundation. God spoke to me a couple of years ago…LOUDLY…i was going about…doing my own thing and then BAM! God’s voice woke me up out of a dream and i made a decision based upon than that voice (YES!!! YEEEEEESSSSS!!!! SPEAK MY LAWWD…OOOOOH, LAWD…SPEAK MY SOUL) …i surrendered…i stood up and started walking….with other people following me…maybe not hearing God anymore by that point, but hearing that rhythmic voice saying in that melodic tone softly harmonizing “Speak my soul…”
so now i’m trying…based upon that voice, trying to see it through…but sometimes….Lord knows that i question why i was the one that chose to listen…and was MY decision the best for everyone following this thing through with everyone involved right now.
i dunnno. maybe i’m just frustrated. maybe i’m just questioning my faith. maybe this is bigger than me. how could i ignore that voice when it saved me …repeatedly “I WAS SO LOST….UNTIL YOU SPOKE TO ME….HEAR MY SOUL” ???? GOD, i’m listening…. and those who chose follow me as i see this thing thru…i THANK you…i truly do….i can’t begin to tell the world how absolutely amazing each and every one of you are….y’all pray fuh me….pray fuh us…
