Black and White?
I was recently having dinner w/ a group of friends (mostly couples: BF/GF, H/W) and I happened to check my Twitter feed as I often do in public, no matter who I’m with. <—- don't judge me, I'm an addict. 
A question was posed that read: “Ladies, how would you feel to wake up and find your mate err…getting it in….with you while you were asleep?”
One of the responses read: “o_O Um…rape? Any man using my body without my consent is rape.”
One of my friends, asked why my brow was furrowed, so I posed the question to the group.
As I sat there, I made some interesting observations. Every woman at the table (including the wives) considered it a violation. One admitted that when she wakes up and her husband is “enjoying her” (way past the foreplay stage into the actual act or close to completion) she has compared it in her mind to rape. Every man became puzzled, followed by shock and then disbelief and/or anger.
What say you?*
*To be continued…..
Wow! I’m surprised that anyone would call this rape!! I don’t know if I’m naive or justified in this thinking. The way I have ALWAYS operated is that if I was with a woman and comfortable enought to fall asleep boongy-buck-nekkid beside her, then we have a level of trust and comfort that would make “consent” a given. The corollary is that is I woke up to my SO giving me head, and I’m being violated/molested?! Hells no. I’m being given the best wake-up ever devised on earth.
Anyway… I guess technically, it is a violation of someone’s body to enjoy it while they aren’t able to acquiesce. But if I expect a permission slip for activities that may begin while I’m asleep in the bed with someone I love with my willy out all willy-nilly, then I probably shoulda took my azz home or got dressed before falling asleep.
Of the women sitting at the table, there were some that said rape was a STRONG accusation, but they all agreed that it was a violation. The men felt the same way that you did (like huh????).
I want to make this a two-part discussion because I would like to get everyone’s views first.
I was the only neutral party at the table at the time (and also the only one w/o a SO there). Although, I felt the way that the men did, I understood what BOTH parties were trying to communicate to the other. It became an EXTREMELY tense and heated situation. I actually worry about the future of the married couple.
My next post will list some of the arguments on both ends and see what people think.
Humh. There have been times when I was tired and wished my guy would start without me. Is that wrong? Am I wishing for rape? Nope. I think specifically not giving consent makes it rape. Like, if I got to sleep and say, “I don’t want to wake up with you on or in me.” then that’s rape. But otherwise, I can’t say it’s rape but I can say it’s shocking.
Take the “rape” word out. Shocking as in violation? Or shocking as in “Oh, ok!” Trying to clarify for my post tomorrow.
I think consent to a spouse is automatic unless withdrawn. If he is throwing you to the floor and holding you down (unless that is what you like) then I’d consider that to be rapeish and certainly abuse. I do think a sex partner should be clear each time.
But if the fella can enter while I am asleep I must have been ready.
My husband gets frisky in his sleep. Sometime I engage and then he wakes up very pleased and asking what brought that on. Men are very different.
Would it be different if you weren’t married and just dating or girlfriend/boyfriend?
A bf does not have automatic consent nor does he have rights or an investment in my body. His use is by permission only, and I would be offended by the behavior. I would only call it rape if I awoke and said stop and he continued or I had already asked to be left alone.
Gotcha! Gonna use your quote “nor does he have rights or an investment in my body” in my post tomorrow because something similar was brought up during the discussion.
You’ve got me thinking over here chica. I’m interested to see where you go with this one. My response is…hell I don’t know what it is.
First of all….I would be surprised at the statement like the men were. Like the first person to comment said….if we’re comfy enough to be laid up butt booty nekkid then initially I’d say that he could get it….or has gotten it before. If this were me and the mister, I wouldn’t think of it as rape at all. Most likely because I wouldn’t feel violated. If I don’t feel violated….then I wouldn’t consider it rape. That would not change if it were my husband or just a boyfriend. Violation doesn’t depend on the title….but the relationship.
All that being said…if I wake up and tell him to leave me the hell alone then I expect all extracurricular activities to cease immediately.
Interesting discussion.
I asked a couple of friends of mine that weren’t there and I received varied responses, but most were the same as what everyone else is saying. The entire exchange at dinner threw me for a loop because it was so evenly divided by gender, regardless of the type of relationship.
There were clearly some communication gaps there as well, so it made me wonder if its something that we never thought to discuss among ourselves. We seem to bring up our thoughts on infidelity, finances, religion but how much do we delve into our sexual beliefs or boundaries?
You know SoJo….the entire time I was reading the comments I was thinking that maybe this is something folks need to bring up when they have their “talk”. Assuming that responsible adults all have a talk at some point (hopefully before they get nekkid) then that’s as good a time as any to just ask.
I think a lot depends on the dynamics of the relationship. If I had just started having relations with a woman I would definitely make sure she was up and aware before starting the actual act as a matter of respect. Once we were long term and reached a certain level of comfort I would feel comfy starting while she was sleep if we had been doing it earlier and fell asleep naked. Married if my wife fell asleep fully dressed there was still a chance she would get woke up during the night. Hell when you have children the early a.m. is sometimes the best time to have relations. Sometimes one or both people are tired after a long day and need a few hours sleep before they can perform.
So we’re talking level of comfort/familiarity. Someone said to me this evening that as adults, we’re splitting hairs by differentiating between husband/wife and boyfriend/girlfriend because we often expect our SO’s to perform other husband/wife duties.
I wouldn’t consider it rape at all. I would just assume that he was trying to wake me up in a special way and mayhaps it took me a wee bit too long to wake up. And I’d have to be sleeping pretty darn hard to wake up in the MIDDLE of intercourse. Or my man is lacking, but that’s for another post.
Agree with Babs totally. I am a light sleeper so I am not even understanding how you sleep that hard that you don’t know your mate is about to penetrate.
I do agree with others that say if you ask him to stop he probably should stop but honestly if he’s almost “there”, I’m not going to be a hater and leave him with er..umm..discomfort.
Babs, you know I hatchoo AND your blog wifey TIH, right? LOL!
Da hell?? Where is part two?!?!? You are slippin!! o_O
Dude!! Blame the Hawks/Kings and Twitter for my laziness last night. Lol!
No excuses! Get to work chica!
Rape? That’s a super strong word to use. Even calling it a violation is tough to hear. I’m on board with Ames, Babs and TIH. Hubby and wifey? Anytime access, unless there is a specific refusal/dismissal. GF/BF – think it depends on the rules that the couple has set for their relationship. If we’re at the sleepover portion, then I would think that all was fine, even in the middle of the night. Part 2 please! =)
Dang I am all late. Yo can we get larger font up here? You know I’m getting old and my eyes ain’t good. lol!
I don’t consider it rape if I’m asleep and dude is getting us started. Now I’m not sure how I can continue to be asleep until he’s almost finished. Also I imagine like TIH and Babs said I would imagine that dude is getting us started but before he gets to the finish line he’ll wake me up so we can get there around the same time.
I can’t read part 2 because the gig thinks this is cornography! now I have to wait until I get home. boooo!