Either it is or isn’t
You see the truth it needs no proof
Either it is or it isn’t
Now you know the truth by the way it feels….
~India.Arie~
A few months ago, I decided to make Thursdays my 24 hr 100% Honesty w/ no filter day. It’s now affectionately known as La Verdad. No matter what anyone asked, or what situation I encountered – I had to be 100% authentic. That’s not to say that I’m usually not. It’s just that I tend to fall into the cut and observe rather than jump right in and engage people.
I know that I have to be careful about the words that come out of my mouth, because while I joke about carrying a razor in my cheek – it’s not far from the truth. My tongue is cutting – but that’s because my minds is sharp. I don’t miss a thing (even when I let you think that I do…MESSAGE! 
). I just realize that if I say EVERYTHING that I’m thinking, there will be some unhinged jaws and hurt feelings – because I’m not always the sweet, kind, glitter shooting angel that people who know me on the surface think I am *adjusting tarnished halo*.
At this point in my life, I’m trying to find a healthy balance between of remaining authentic and acting in love . I think that people who pride themselves on going off all of the time, keeping it real and putting folks in their place are weak. Those actions, when used regularly, are a cop out. At the same time, I know that it’s also a cheap cop out to hide behind a smile or tortured silence when you have some stuff to get off of your chest.
Even with this whole La Verdad exercise, where my friends, fam and loved ones can “ask anything” or engage me in any subject w/ no filter. I still have a problem INITIATING some of the things that I really want to say like:
Damn. I’m really disappointed in you…me…us…our friendship. I honestly thought that when we first met, I had encountered a person that would move past a reason and a season and I was EXCITED! I love making new friends…real ones. But then I noticed that you are all about…well…you.
I know sometimes you wonder why I’m not as forthcoming as I used to be when we first became close. In fact, I vividly remember you saying that one of the things that made our friendship such a breath of fresh air was that we were so open, honest free. And now? We’re just…well…regular. It’s because I notice that you rarely ask me questions or wonder what I think. You have no problem expressing your views, your thoughts, your ideas. You just don’t really seem to care about mine. It wasn’t that way when we first met. And I miss that. I REALLY miss that.
I guess the shift in dynamics is cool and all, but it’s caused me to pull away because I don’t trust you. Experience has taught me that when people aren’t curious about your life, your journey, your growth – it’s because they don’t intend on really being a part of it. So, yeah. If you ever wonder why I’m not as open w/ you as I once was…well there you go.
OR
I am trying my best to like you as a person again. I’ve always loved you, of course, but I haven’t always liked you. Now I see that you’re struggling – going through some challenges and my love for you won’t allow that to happen. I could never allow you to travel that road alone with at least ATTEMPTING to walk alongside you. I see your growth from the past few years, but your actions towards other people have always given me pause. I don’t understand how you can treat the people around you so cruelly, yet smile and place me on a pedestal.
Maybe it’s because I’ve never stayed around long enough for any of those things to happen. to me. Maybe it’s because I haven’t cared enough to pay attention to see if they were happening. Maybe it’s because I’m simply not the one. Whatever it is, I’m back…for now…not just because you need me, but because I love you. But uh…. I got my good eye on your ass…trust.
I know that things that are going to eventually need to be said. And reigniting my weekly Thursday exercise is hopefully giving me the practice so that when the time comes, I’ll be able to say those things like I have here since I’ve actually written down what I’d like to say.
Hmmmm….who knows? Maybe I’ll do this every week….
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That first one, I need to borrow that. OK , truth is, I just left the person alone. No words. Nothing.
That’s what I’m probably going to end up doing, but I was trying to give it until the end of the year to figure out what happened or if it will shift back. We shall see. If anything, at least I’ll be able to verbalize ‘why’ if they even care to ask.