~from the may 2007 archives~

i began writing this piece last year when mama beloved and i took a trip to st. george island during my break, but i didn’t have the nerve to post it. part of me lost my drive to blog because the experience was so intensely personal and i felt bad about not being able to share it, but whatever….here goes…

she and i packed up w/ kedar in her car and drove to the island which is about an hour 15 outside of tallahassee. it’s a beautiful, peaceful place – i’d been there several times during the 7 years that i lived in tally-ho and i was happy to share it with her.

there was only one problem. you have to cross a 5 mile bridge over the gulf coast to get there…and um…that’s another one of my phobias (the first being those horrid ass cock-a-roaches). anyway, we left on a friday evening after work and by the time we got there (after getting lost down in panama somewhere) it was well after midnight. i was driving and so i braced myself for the 5 mile bridge crossing. it was pitch black and my mama laughed the entire distance across because kedar, who was in the backseat the entire 6 hour journey asleep with his lazy self, jumped up and put his head through the middle of the car between us. she said we both looked wide-eyed, stiff and terrified the entire time.

all and all, we had a GREAT time. we watched movies, woke up late, played on the beach – just your typical girls weekend. early that sunday morning, we decided to rent a couple of bikes and ride around the island. there was a 4 mile bike path and i let my mom ride in front of me. she was having a BALL! she did the “look, no hands move”, made faces, tried to pop a wheelie and it was hilarious since she hadn’t been on a bike since she was a kid.

but a couple of blocks from our beachhouse, she stopped to catch her breath in the middle of the street. all of a sudden she pushed the bike forcefully away from her body and crumpled to the ground. her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she lay there unconscious. i hooked my arms underneath her armpits and dragged her from the middle of the street into the nearby sand and just began screaming “HEEELLLLPPP!!!” at the top of my lungs, but all of the houses around us were empty. i didn’t know what to do.

i felt completely helpless. i’d forgotten my cpr training and i didn’t know if she was having a stroke like my grandmother or a heartattack like my other grandma. mama beloved had lost one of her lungs when she was a sophomore in college and i wasn’t even sure if the other one had collapsed as well. i was paralyzed with fear, so i just held her in my arms and prayed and cried.

fortunately, a couple in a car drove down the street. they’d heard my screams a few blocks away. she came to as the car pulled up. and do you know that my normally sweet, docile mommy turned into a heffa from hell with an attitude??? she told me to leave her alone when i tried to help her into the car!!

the couple drove us back to our house. we got her inside and i gave her some ice water. later on, her doctor told her that her body had overheated and that she had indeed almost had a stroke. he also said that my mother’s severe mood swing was actually a symptom of pre-stroke and heat exhaustion (so i had to forgive her mean ass, although i still wanted to cut her ) my mama…my idol…my heartbeat…my world.

i know that i’ve talked about trivial phobias – roaches, bridges, rats but my #1 fear is my mother dying…or me not being there if something were to happen to her. a few years ago, it used to be so bad that i would stalk her if i hadn’t heard from her (like call her phone and hang up 50 times in one day or do a drive-by). i’d gotten better about it and nothing had ever been wrong before, but that day on the beach was by far the worst day of my life. what haunts me the most is that during the time that she NEEDED me, i couldn’t move…not one bit. i was right there, and didn’t do a thing but freeze up. my mama could have died and it would’ve been all.my.fault and i have to live with that knowledge from now on.

i realized that i honestly don’t know if i could survive without her. and i remember praying that day that God would take me before he took her because after all that we’ve been through, she truly is my lifeline. i think about that morning every day (even now) and whenever we speak on the phone or we’re about to part from a visit, my eyes automatically well up with tears because i can’t get over my feeling of guilt and helplessness. i have never felt that alone in my life and to tell you the truth, i still feel that way to this day.

needless to say, that drive over the 5 mile bridge to head back to atlanta that afternoon was an absolute breeze. i took it like a champ without looking back because earlier that morning, i’d already come face to face with my number one fear.