Him: “Hope there are no hard feelings about this…”
Her: “Hard feelings? What a phrase. Feelings are tender. The moment they become hard, you’re not really feeling anymore.”
~The Good Witch’s Garden~
I was watching a movie this weekend and had to flag that exchange in my memory because at first, it confused me. Then it made perfect sense. I’ve always thought that feelings like hurt, anger or despair were “hard feelings” – hard because they can be difficult to work through. But then, the more I thought about it – the female character was 100% correct.
Hurt feelings are still tender feelings. I sometimes scare myself with my ability to disengage from people so quickly. I can leave a person spinning because my face can go from a wide grin to a blank stare as if I don’t see you in a heartbeat. It’s how I deal with those difficult “tender” feelings. I outwardly shut off my reactions to them.
I remember my niece telling me once that out of all of the people in the world, when she messed up she hated to tell me because instead of having a normal reaction like anger, I’d “ice” her. She could deal with someone being pissed or upset, but she didn’t know how to fix being invisible to me. My mom, friends and lovers have said the same thing.
They think that I have a hard side. They have often thought that I didn’t feel things. But that’s always been far from the truth. I think it’s worse than not feeling, because the tender feelings tend to become stopped up inside of me like a dam. I’ve often felt as though I was about to burst. But instead, I’d press them back further and “ice” it out until I was able to deal with them privately.
I hate hashing out emotions before I’m ready. But unless you know me really well, you’d think that I truly didn’t give a damn. Sometimes, I move to a place where I’m able to address them. Other times, they fade away. Until today, I wondered if there was something abnormal about me because I have a habit of doing that. Now, I realize that it’s only a defense mechanism. The day that I don’t have feelings to suppress will be the day that I start to worry.
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ability to disengage from people so quickly
I do this as well, but not nearly as completely as you’ve described here. I can let go of the emotion without letting go of liking them (i.e. still able to smile, hold conversations, etc.)
Your niece is right. Being invisible is the worst punishment there is from someone you care about.
I’m similar to you, in that I can smile, hold conversations. That’s usually Phase II after the ice out.
I know that it’s an awful thing to do. I’ve hurt a LOT of people by behaving that way (sometimes still do), but I’m more conscious of it now. I try not to do it, but sometimes I still act that way in small doses.
The best thing that anyone can do that knows me when I’m like that is to immediately call me out on it. Force me to own up to my BS and communicate.
I just thought I was reading about myself. I “turn off” quickly too. It’s what I need to do because I feel that I “love/lust/feel” too deeply. When you are the type of person that gives a piece of yourself to the people that you interact with, dealing with feelings regarding them, that are “tender”, can really be a bear. I just recently had to “ice” it out to get through something. But, my heart was bleeding for real. It might not be the best defense mechanism, but it sure as hell helps.
Dang! Your comment really could have been written by me. That’s so scary. Right down to describing your heart as “bleeding”. Wow. Um…are you sure you’re not my brain commenting??? o_O LOL!
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