“Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem…” In my last post, I mentioned a student of mine that was dealing with the pain of a break-up and deciding which path she was going to take next. I’m happy to tell you guys that when I followed up with her, she told me that everything had been going well. I was proud of her because her actions following our conversations were those that some adult women aren’t willing to take.
She told me that she appreciated the talk that we had and mentioned that her aunt told her that a guy that is attempting to court her should treat the opportunity as a privilege. She followed that by telling me that she didn’t tell her aunt, but she didn’t know what that (dating her being a privilege) meant. I immediately thought back to Lauryn’s lyrics from the late 90′s.
It’s easy to warn young girls (and grown women) about the dangers of unscrupulous men waiting to pounce and take advantage of them, but let’s be candid for a second. With the obvious exception of rape, a man cannot take from you what you weren’t willing to give away. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with allowing yourself to be vulnerable (physically, emotionally, psychologically) to a lover. It is the ultimate relationship ideal. But that does not mean that every person you date deserves that.
How many of us have willingly given away valuable parts of ourselves knowing good and damn well that the recipient wasn’t worth the effort? Some of us have done that thinking that if we exposed that vulnerable, precious part of ourselves that it would somehow help the person on the receiving end appreciate our value. #FAIL
Some of us take better care of our homes, clothes, cars, jewelry and other people than we do ourselves. At what point do we realize our value? I’m not sure where I was going when I began writing this post, so I don’t have a catchy ending. My precious IronGirl line sister summed it up best in her comment yesterday:
“I realized ….there was nothing I could do to prove my worth. If people- professionally or personally- don’t see your value when you’ve put your best foot forward, they don’t deserve you. And YOU deserve better. “
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Good for her. But what about the notion that some men only feel comfortable being vulnerable once they trust you. They gain that trust by seeing you feel comfortable enough with them to truth THEM and let your guard down? Eh. It’s late and I’m on Tylonal PM.
Anyhow, the real fear for women is that nobody will think they’re good enough. If they walk around thinking they deserve basic common courtesy and human decency but no man comes through to validate that, won’t they end up feeling worthless–where men are concerned anyway.
I’m torn. Part of me thinks that a lot of men really don’t give a damn about seeing a woman be emotionally vulnerable. They’re more concerned with loyalty. There’s a difference between always being around (which they tend to get comfortable with) and having the responsibility of being handed a woman’s heart. Now that I’m typing that out, it seems really practical – relying on tangible actions of the other person before letting your guard down. A lot of women don’t do that.
Hmmmmmm….that may be a good blog post…hint…hint…
ITA w/ your entire 2nd paragraph.
Your entire second paragraph is the fullest truth I’ve ever seen in print.
“There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with allowing yourself to be vulnerable (physically, emotionally, psychologically) to a lover. It is the ultimate relationship ideal.” <= true. i haven't done those three things in years. but i do think it's the ideal. once you've been hurt it's hard to be vulnerable. that's my goal though. isn't it interesting? to have as a goal the ability to be vulnerable with a lover?
Interesting indeed because so many of us have the exact same goal! I know I did – especially after being badly burned in previous situations. That was one of my most important personal goals.